New Possibilities...

Over the last few weeks, I've been feeling stuck. It's not the usual "I want a new job" feeling. I feel like I just need to do something different, in addition to my current position. I've been thinking about going back to school to be school counselor - mostly because it's easy. I've taken most of the classes already. It would fit into my current work schedule and eventually, I'd be able to take my summers off and be the jet-setting adventurer that I really am while still getting paid. Sounds perfect, right? Maybe, it's just a little too perfect and settled for this free-spirit.

I want to be independent, not relying on an unreliable school system or dealing with school politics and a ridiculous case load. I need to imagine something different and new - something that may or may not require another degree and meshes my passion for education, violence prevention, and the overall health and well being of women and children. I want to travel and have a global impact.

I want something new. I just wish I knew what that something was...

Man never knows what he wants; he aspires to penetrate mysteries and as soon as he has, he wants to reestablish them. Ignorance irritates him and knowledge cloys. ~Amiel

"I want to fall in love again"

In the fall of 2001, I said to a friend in conversation that I wanted to fall in love again. Neither of us remember the context of that statement but the pure emotion of the statement stuck with her. It was the theme of my Christmas gift that year. It's now approaching nine years since that conversation and I have yet to fall in love again. I don't know quite how I feel about that. I'm not sad nor do I feel like I've missed out on anything in the last nine years but that feeling is definitely with me right now. So as I seek to love again, I'm reflecting on what love was to me.

Love was...

• being listened to.
  
• being loved.
  
• being seen for my best, even in my worst moments.
• problem solving.
  
• encouragement.
• safety and security.
• being a priority.
• feeling beautiful.
• being cared for.
• great kisses.
• hugs that made everything better.
• understanding my struggles.
• wiping away my tears.
• butterflies.
• smiling at the mentioning of a name.
• silly nicknames.
• feeling invincible.
• wanting to share my darkest secret.
• wanting to trust.
  
• hoping for forever.
• the desire to reciprocate.
  

I have to say, at 28, love doesn't look much different than it did at 19. The difference is that I know I can get all of these things (except the great kisses) from my friends and, most importantly, from myself. The last nine years have been full of new beginnings, lessons, and growth. I've been building a foundation that will support me so that the next time I do fall in love, it will feel more like a treat than...

oxygen.

The Academic Calendar has F-ed My Professional Life

The other day I was looking through my closet for a dress to wear to work. I came to the conclusion that I need more "work-appropriate" dresses (yes, even with the 24 unworn dresses) or I need to take summers off. That's when I realized that I've only made it through one summer working. Don't get me wrong. I don't mind working in the summer but I feel like something should change in the summer - new job, new location, travel, etc. Let's take a look at my summers since I began working.

Summer of '99 - working in retail
Summer of '00 - working in retail, getting ready for college
Summer of '01 - summer organizing internship in Chicago, working in retail
Summer of '02 - study abroad in Kenya, retail
Summer of '03 - interning with TFA in Houston
Summer of '04 - training for TFA in L.A.
Summer of '05 - off, traveling, looking for work and living off my intermittent CPS income,
Summer of '06 - off, began grad school, traveling, looking for work and living off my temporary CPS income
Summer of '07 - worked the full-time job I found in the August of '06, grad school, decided it was time to go and found a new job
Summer of '08 - quit my job, spent the summer working out, hanging out with my bff, traveling, and living off my savings, no summer classes
Summer of '09 - looking for work post-graduation, hanging out, traveling, living off my savings

That leads me to this summer. This is when I typically start looking at other options, wanting my freedom, and refusing to stay any place that I'm not happy. What will this summer hold? I love my job and what I do but one person is making it an unpleasant place for me. Can we resolve this issue? How long will I last? Can I stick it out two years until I get my clinical license or will I go running for a chance at change or a summer break? Only time will tell...

In the meantime, education is looking like the only way I can keep a job for more than a year. I can hear the school counseling certification calling.

My Voice

I began the drama class last week. It wasn't what I expected at all. Last week, I spent time practicing a presentation/training that I need to give for work next week. I learned to own my words and speak with confidence even when I feel like I don't know what I'm talking about.

Today, I was able to hear and appreciate my own voice. While reading a part, the instructor and the other participants commented on my voice - it's tone, timbre, and texture - and compared it to a musical instrument. This was shocking to me. I'm the girl who used to hate reading aloud in class because I thought I sounded like a boy. I'm the girl who still hates recording new voicemail greetings every time I'm out of the office for a day or more. I'm the girl who mumbles "hello" and swallows "thank you" and "you're welcome." Who was this girl, this woman, they were speaking of? Could it be they were one in the same? Then someone asked a question that made me remember...

I remembered that one day, as a classroom teacher, when I was called to the office in the middle of my daily read aloud. My principal - the man who evaluated me on classroom management, guided reading, and determined my fate at the end of the year - was sent to watch my class. I scrambled to find some busywork for my students, expecting him to sit at my desk on the computer or lecture my students on their hallway behavior. He said he could handle it. He said he could do the read aloud. Now, I have no idea what happened in that office but I do remember what happened when I returned to my classroom. The principal let me know that everything went extremely well, showed me where he stopped in our chapter book, and returned to the office. As soon as he was out of earshot, my class erupted pleading with me to re-read the entire chapter that they had just heard. I was perplexed. Were they wasting time? Was there a test or that dreadful art class they were trying to avoid? No. They genuinely wanted me to read the chapter to them - to use my voice, my tone, and inflections to help them understand the storyline, get the jokes, and relate to a little girl with issues similar to their own. They wanted me to do the things that the man with the booming rich voice, the command of the whole school, and a salary 2-4 times that of little ol' me, couldn't do. That day, my 30+ students told me how much they valued my voice, much more than I ever have.

Somewhere along the way, I learned not to value my voice or to trust the words that it offered. Somehow, I forgot that there are people who enjoy listening to me. Today, I was reminded.

I usually like to end with a quote. Today, instead of finding someone else's words that speak my truth, I am trusting my own voice to convey exactly what I mean.

April Challenge

When I posted my update on the list, I didn't mention anything about my weight loss goal. That's because I had actually gained weight. So I decided to get a grip on things starting April 1...

The Challenge: Eat vegan and workout 4 out of every 5 days for the month of April.

The Prize: A $500 shopping spree to buy clothes that fit my body (whatever it looks like/weighs).

15 days in: I've met the challenge by going vegan and working out 12 out of the last 15 days. Go me!

The problem: I haven't lost any weight.

There are a number of factors that play into my lack of weight loss. In an attempt to be all natural, I stopped taking my daily multivitamin with a metabolism booster. Also, while I've cut out dairy and meat, nuts, soy and coconut milk have a lot of fat and calories. Plus, I wasn't actually watching what I ate. (I thoroughly enjoyed the chocolate peanut butter coconut milk ice cream.) I've also not passed up the alcohol.

Next Steps: Resume taking my multivitamin. Try to follow the 4-day diet as closely as possible, watch portions, and cut down on high fat/calorie foods. I'll limit my alcohol intake over the next 15 days and increase my daily workout time.

Look for an update in 15 days.

Wish me luck!

Lent Update:

EPIC FAIL!

That is all.

1st Quarter Check-In

I've recently been reminded of my list so I decided to look it over and see how I've done. It can be summed up in two words - I'm slacking. I haven't done any of the daily or weekly activities but hopefully I'll get there by the end of the year. Here's what I have done.

• I'm going to take a drama class next month.
• I've gone on a few dates.
• I've definitely gotten out more and gone to social events.
• I've made more effort to hang out with friends.
• I've sent hand written cards to friends for birthdays or just because.
• I've gone to one concert.
• I made a vase.
• I've cooked.
• I started volunteering a couple of weeks ago.
• I haven't created a budget but I have been paying off bills and watching my credit score climb. I'll set a financial goal for the end of the year soon.
• I signed up for mortgage loan consultation but the bank never called me. I guess I can't afford a house.
• I actually have gotten to together with most of my Chicago friends once a month.
• I took a BBG trip to the Bay Area. I don't call this a "vacation" but everyone else does.

I have a lot more to do and I will get around to it. How are your New Year's goals and resolutions coming?

The Five Love Languages

My girl, the Maven, and I were discussing friendships and relationships at the beginning of the year. During the conversation, she said that I had to read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. To show just how serious she was, she bought me a copy of the original book and the book for singles. I've had such a hard time being "still" long enough to read a book but I finally buckled down and read the singles version last weekend. Here are the 5 love languages.

Words of Affirmation
Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.
Quality Time
In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.
Receiving Gifts
Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.
Acts of Service
Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.
Physical Touch
This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.

These languages not only apply to romantic relationships but friends, family members, coworkers, etc. The point is to know and speak the language of those around you to strengthen relationships by filling up their "love tank." It's pretty interesting.

I learned that my primary love language is quality time followed by physical touch. It's not that surprising in hindsight. When asked what I like to do, I say it doesn't matter as long as I'm with my friends. I travel all over the country just to visit friends and can't wait to hug or rest my head on the shoulder of my college friends. Also, the people who I've gotten angry with or distanced myself from have failed to come through in providing quality time. Whatever their reasons, I thought they didn't care or didn't regard my feelings. Maybe they just didn't know how to speak my love language.

If you're interested in learning your love language, you can borrow one of my books or you can click here. If you are not romantically involved, you can think about your ideal mate or friends and family.

Let me know what yours is so I can do my part to make sure you feel loved.

The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in. ~ Morrie Schwartz

The Resilient Rooster

You know I love my job. We deal with a difficult subject matter and there are a lot a changes that are, at times, difficult to handle. Today was particularly rough for me but I work with some amazing and random people. You can find us talking about anything from changing the world to sex toys. Today's topic was the Chinese Zodiac. We read everyone's general description of their sign and most of them were surprisingly accurate. Here's mine.

The Resilient Rooster

By Marie Diamond

Efficient and intelligent, Roosters love to show off their talents. They want to be the center of attention but at the same time are very generous to their friends and loved ones. They appear outwardly very strong-willed and energetic but are actually full of fear and worries on the inside. Committed to themselves, Roosters are hypercritical of everything and everyone, especially if they are not getting enough respect from the other animals on the farm. They can be inflexible, with beliefs and opinions that tend toward fanaticism.

Roosters just want to strut their stuff. They are fashion gurus and are unafraid to create their own unique style. People admire them for the colors they wear, their pleasing outfits and dashing ingenuity. Roosters want to be successful, and their enduring self-belief makes them sure -- cock-sure, in fact -- that they can handle everyone and everything. Eager to know all there is to know about any subject that interests them, Roosters often show impatience and a lack of humility -- they want only the best when it comes to material things. It might take Roosters a while to reach their goals, but it's likely they'll succeed, as Roosters are generally too proud to accept less than the best. They are perfectionists, which serves their ambitions but may be hard on those around them.

I think it's accurate, except for the fashion stuff. It was a little weird having it read out loud but isn't that my daily challenge? What do you think? Does it describe me? Check out your own here.

Baby Steps: Lent

I've never given up anything for Lent. I don't even think I knew what it was until undergrad. I thought about it. I talked about it but never really considered doing it seriously. However, for some reason, I decided that I would do it this year. I went through a list of my vices and came up with an equally long list of why giving them up just won't work at this point in my life. So, I've decided to give up binging.

I realized that I binge on a lot of things - chocolates, chips (hell food in general), alcohol, bad TV, shopping, bad moods, surfing the net... I could go on. I don't binge to the point of concern and it's generally not a regular occurrence. Sometimes, though, one episode of SVU turns into a marathon, checking my email leads to endless web-surfing, and please don't let me near a bag of chocolates. So I haven't decided to give up any one thing completely, except sex (lol), but I am going to practice moderation. I'm hoping that this time will allow me to reflect upon the role binging plays in my life and the purpose it serves. Like all of the goals I set for myself, I'm hoping to learn and grow in the process whether I achieve my goal or fall short.

So to all of you seasoned Lent observers, am I doing it right? What are you giving up?

Self-Care Update

I took care of myself this week! I made an appointment for a massage and facial and booked a flight to the bay area to play with the BBG homies (big ups to kismet and boogie for getting their tickets and pushing me to make that purchase.) Travel stresses me out, especially with my new work schedule, but the time I spend with my girls is always healing.

Today's spa experience was awesome. I had a great massage and had some serious skin issues addressed. It did make me think about going on a spa retreat though. Who wants to leave a relaxing spa and then head back into the hustle and bustle (and traffic) of city life. I might plan that into my self-care travel schedule. I plan to visit at least 3 more cities to see friends and climb a mountain but I want to plan a real vacation every year. It's not too early to start thinking about this year's real vacay.

I also bought two massages via groupon so I have at least two more massages to look forward to for the next year!

Money vs. Passion

I'm facing a dilemma. I love my job. I love the work that I do. If you had asked me what I wanted to do, ideally, I would have described my job. The problem is that I probably would have added about 50% to my salary also. As a school counselor, I could add that 50% easily but I doubt I'd love my job nearly as much. I've been an educator before and school politics are not my thing, even when I was only responsible for my 32-36 students. Money isn't everything, I know, but the additional income would allow me to do things like own a home. The schedule would also be more suitable for my need to travel and see the world.

I'm scheduling a meeting with an admissions counselor next week so that I can do my internship and be certified as a school counselor but I really don't know if it's me. Sometimes I think the money just isn't worth it. I remember quitting a part-time paid tutoring job because I felt like it was helping to expand the achievement gap that I was working full-time to close. I usually follow my heart and my values. Then, a school social worker calls me because they can't handle a situation or don't know how to help a particular student and I think, why shouldn't I get that extra 50%.

Do I follow my passion or the money? Maybe I'll just play the lottery and keep my job.

What we really want to do is what we are really meant to do. When we do what we are meant to do, money comes to us, doors open for us, we feel useful, and the work we do feels like play to us. ~ Julia Cameron

You can only become truly accomplished at something you love. Don't make money your goal. Instead, pursue the things you love doing, and then do them so well that people can't take their eyes off you. ~ Maya Angelou

Money is like a sixth sense - and you can't make use of the other five without it.
~ William Somerset Maugham

All Dressed Up with Nothing to Wear

B.'s 28 dresses post made me want to take up the challenge of buying 28 new dresses as well. That is until I realized that I probably have 28 unworn dresses hanging in my closet. Today, I decided to count. It came to a total of 24 new (well, never before worn) dresses. (It would have been 25 had I not worn a new dress for b.'s birthday.) I don't even want to count the dresses I have only worn once. You might be thinking "great, you have enough dresses to get you through the year." Technically, you'd be right but I'm trying to decide what to wear to an event tonight and find something that works for a museum and a party tomorrow night and I feel like I have absolutely nothing to wear. I still like each of the dresses but thinking about accessorizing them or even what shoes to wear gives me a headache. I'm trying not to go shopping to keep my finances in order. So, what's a girl to do? Any stylists out there?

Women usually love what they buy, yet hate two-thirds of what is in their closets.
~ Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960

Just around the corner in every woman's mind - is a lovely dress, a wonderful suit, or entire costume which will make an enchanting new creature of her.
~ Wilhela Cushman

Self-Care

Maintain a conscious, focused program of self-care.

These words are written in one of my notebooks, probably from a training that I attended. I've been glancing over them lately as I write my to-do lists or grocery lists but I haven't taken time to put these words into action. I realize that self-care is essential in my fiel and life in general. I need to make it a priority. Right now, it's pretty haphazard. I eat, zone out to TV, call a friend, talk to coworkers, listen to music, shop, isolate, reflect, and blog. Some of these are positive, others not so much. I'd like to develop a program. It's hard because I'm not involved in any classes nor do I have anything on my regular schedule besides work and sometimes going to the gym. Here are some ideas that I have.

• Read - Set a goal.
• Workout - Set a regular schedule.
• Dance - Enroll in a class.
• Art - Enroll in a class or plan to take a workshop regularly.
• Journal
• Blog
  
• Hang out with friends/attend a social event once a week.
• Reflect on my vision board at the beginning of each week (at least.)
  
• Travel
• Develop/maintain a financial plan to minimize stress.
• Address issues with friends and family as they arise.
  
• Call friends. This is a constant struggle.

Ok. I could probably come up with more but send suggestions if you have them. I need to look for classes and create a self-care calendar. Do you have a self-care plan? If so, what is it? If not, what are you waiting for?

"You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection." ~ Buddha

Look What I Made!

I took a glassblowing "experience" workshop on Sunday. I've been talking about taking an art class since my 28 by 28 and never got around to it. So when I got this opportunity, I was excited and nervous. My last art class, a ceramics class, did not go so well. I was in a class with more advanced students and an impatient teacher so I was worried that glassblowing would be similar. I was pleasantly surprised. The instructor was patient, encouraging, and allowed me to make what I wanted. I was still a little worried that it wouldn't turn out right because we couldn't see the true color. I picked it up today and I love it. I made it to match my office so I can bring myself fresh flowers. I would love to take an 8-week session but the only thing stopping me is the $575 price tag.

Something's Gotta Give...

I love my friends...

but over the last few weeks, and particularly over the last few days, all I can do is *sigh*. Over the years, I've accepted them as they are and haven't made much of a fuss about anything but lately it's starting to bother me. I try not to take much offense or lay too much blame on them because I understand my role in our dynamic. I don't call, except those who never call me. When we talk, I rarely share very much about what's going on with me (usually because there isn't much, I don't do drama). However, as I attempt to reach out more, deepen the relationships that I have, and trust people to be there for me, I can see the not-so-healthy patterns that have evolved. The phone call not returned for months, that I used to brush off, now stings a little bit. The silence or quick return to their own drama after I've shared my own problems used to be undetectable but now it simply hurts. My usual pattern is to dismiss minor stings until one day, I'm fed up, without warning. At which point, I need space which usually lasts until things are uncomfortable. When I'm ready to discuss my issue, people are already on the defensive but the pattern usually doesn't change so the friendship fizzles. I know I've got to do something different. It's time for some tough conversations and maybe even losing some friends but something's gotta give...

Friends are made by many acts and lost by only one. ~ Proverb

Friends are forever, you might lose them but you'll never forget them. ~ Unknown

The ones who are bound to be your best friends must lose your trust just once to prove that they can win it back. ~ Unknown

Each friend represents a world in us, a world not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born. ~ Anais Nin

Happy New Year!

My NYE celebration was extra low key but very necessary. I spent it with great friends. I felt reconnected for the first time in a long time as I shared my dreams and fears. I listened and also felt heard. I spent the morning with them eating, laughing, and committing to strengthening our friendship in the upcoming year. Then, I spent hours sitting around the kitchen table with my grandmother listening to her stories, jokes, hopes, and sorrows. Later in the day, I woke up to a message from someone I hold dear (but have taken some time away from) telling me to take all the time I need to become the person that I want to be. This was comforting and reassuring. All in all, it's been a great 24 hours. I'm looking forward to the next 8,736 hours and wondering how my next year's eve/day will be different (though I really wouldn't change a thing).