Drop 40 by 30*

I have a goal to lose 40lbs by my 30th birthday. While my weight has been an issue for a while, I really feel like I can do it this time. I understand that I am in this for the long haul, not just to lose a few pounds (or a lot) right before an event. I know that weight loss is not easy or quick and that it takes consistency and commitment. Right now, I'm using the LoseIt! program to track the calories I take in and burn. The program also takes your current weight and your goal weight and tells you when you should reach your goal weight given the number of pounds you're comfortable losing per week. I started tracking on Friday but didn't enter a starting weight until Saturday. LoseIt! said that I should reach my goal weight on my 30th birthday. Guess who's excited about that. Here are a few things that I plan to do to reach my goal.

• Watch what I eat, at all times. I've looked at the menus of places for which I have groupons or simply plan to go and have chosen reasonable options. I will also make sure I work out on those days that I eat out. When there are no reasonable options, I will control my portions or just not eat. Please, no peer pressure.
• I will work out 5 days per week or more. Please don't be offended if I turn down last minute plans because I need to hit the gym. If plans are made in advance, I will make every effort to workout earlier.
  
• I will not binge.
  
• I will focus on my goal.
• I will listen to my body and adjust my plans as needed.
  
• I will ask for support when I need it (and not just in losing weight).
• I will pay attention to my emotions how they affect my eating and food choices.
  
• I will be committed to myself.
  

Anything else that I should add to the list?

This one step – choosing a goal and sticking to it – changes everything. ~Scott Reed

*This post was brought to you by procrastination. I should be studying for the GRE, which I've already pushed back 3 weeks. Clearly, I'm not invested in this exam. I would cancel it altogether if I hadn't already given ETS too much damn money.

I Love it When Things Come Together

In the post I wrote last night, I mentioned that I wanted to take an improv class. Guess what groupon was emailed to me this morning? Yep. An improv class. It wasn't on groupon's main page so I'm glad it was the featured email today. I'm also glad that all of my bills are paid and I had some expendable income and my $25 groupon credit. So some time in the next year, I'll be taking an improv class. Stay tuned for the adventures and lessons.

Looking Towards 30

Around my 27th birthday, I started making lists of things I wanted to do or accomplish by my next birthday. Some of these things were accomplished. Most were not. On my 29th birthday, I realized that I did not need a list. I can't exactly articulate what it was that I felt. Maybe it was an overall sense of seeking happiness and contentment and realizing that there were only a few things I needed to do to gain that. Maybe it was understanding that peace is not tied to a list of things or accomplishments. Either way, I didn't make a list. However, as 30 approaches, there are some things that I want to accomplish or work towards. I'll be writing about those things and my progress over the next 5 months. Before I do that, I'll share my progress on the last version of the list to date, not necessarily by my 29th birthday.

• I took a drama class. - I want to take an improv class.
• If speed dating counts, I went on 12+ dates.
• While talking to my friend about climbing Mt. St. Helens, he informed me that a man had recently died attempting the feat. So yeah, we didn't do that.
• No children's book has been written or even attempted. For now, my work with survivors and their parents/siblings is enough.
  
• While I've been a lot more social, one event a week was rather ambitious considering the fact that I have 3 or 4 friends and a limited income.
  
• Attending an artistic/cultural event once a week was even more ambitious. So yeah, that has not been done.
• I've tried meditation, journaling, and daily devotions but like this blog, I haven't done it consistently.
• A spiritual process/practice is still a work in progress.
  
• I'm doing better with connecting with friends. I've done well with seeing my Chicago friends once a month and seeing the BBGs at least once a year. I'm still struggling with this device called a phone.
• I didn't learn to swim and haven't even taken lessons. I realized that I do know the correct movements to get across a pool but I struggle with getting my head out of the water. Could this be a metaphor for my life?
• I also did not attend a live music event every couple of months. Clearly, I struggle with getting out. I think I will try to find more places with live music to visit and make my 3-4 friends go with me.
• I've gained weight again. This is one goal that I think I will add to my goals for 30. I've realized that I need to make a lifestyle change and not treat my diet/health like I'm cramming for a test. I've realized that I do that in a lot of areas. More on that in another post.
  
• I took an art class! and the products are still in my trunk. I need to pull that stuff out and finish a couple of pieces and starts a few more.
• The AIDS Run/Walk 2010 fell on my mother's birthday so I didn't participate. I did participate in SkyRise Chicago where I climbed the stair of the Sears Tower! I plan to participate in the AIDS Run/Walk and SkyRise Chicago this year. I'm not setting a donation goal besides the minimum required by SkyRise because they are so close together.
  
• For the most part, I've cooked every week. I could do a better job with varying dishes and learning new recipes. I'm too poor to eat out all the time.
• When I make a personal professional website, I'll post the link. Maybe.
• I can't find anywhere to bungee jump. Let me know if you know of a place.
  
• I've done a poor job of volunteering. The place I was volunteering took forever to get me started. I started in April and the program went on break from May to October. I have to decide if I want to volunteer and in which ways since my daily work is direct service.
• I joined mint.com. I don't really follow it but I've done a decent job of saving consistently, besides a few unexpected expenses.
• I found out how much house I can afford. Wait, let me be clear. I figured out how much I would be comfortable paying each month and was pre-approved based on that amount. To actually be able to afford it, I need a lot more in savings than I currently have for a down payment, closing costs, and an emergency fund. So for right now, I can afford to stay at my mama's house, unless an amazing deal comes along.
• I see most of my Chicago friends once a month. Bad weather makes us fall off but we gotta get it together.
• My personal project is still in development.
• I have not traveled outside of North America but the planning for the BBG 30th birthday trip for 2012 is under way.
• I took an epic vacation. I went to Cancun for a week in addition to trips to New York and Califiornia to see the BBGs. I've decided that I should always take a week long vacations if I can afford it and won't strangle my travel companions.
  

There you have it. I didn't do most of the things on the list. That's ok. I'm content. I know that if they were meant to be accomplished, they will be. Regardless, I've learned so much about myself in the process.

It is not the mountain we conquer but ourselves. ~ Edmund Hillary

Out of the mud

It's been almost a year since I've posted. After reading my last post, I'm reminded of where I was a year ago. In that time, a lot has changed and a lot has remained the same. I'm feeling a lot more settled and at peace with where I am. I almost feel like I want to put down roots. I know it sounds odd considering that I've lived in Chicago for the past 7 years - almost five of which were spent in the same apartment - but I've always been looking for something new or different - a new job, more grad school, or moving to a new city. While each of those things remain a possibility, I no longer feel the need to look for what's next. I am happy with my present and learning to appreciate where I am.

Over the past year, I've realized that I don't need school or an 'A' on a paper or transcript for validation. In a lot of ways, school provides a structure in which I know how to be successful and it was how I received acknowledgement and praise from my family. Being out of school for the last two years has given me the space to recognize this and to understand that I can be successful in other areas - work, relationships, etc. - where there aren't syllabi with clear guidelines, deadlines, and grades. So even though I'm taking the GRE again in a couple of weeks, I'm not looking to immediately get back into the classroom. I'm focused on doing my job well, gaining a better understanding of trauma and figuring out ways to take care of myself while doing this work. I've made a personal commitment to myself to work towards the end of sexual violence. To me, the first step is doing my job well, while learning ways in which I can have a greater impact. I'm also learning not to look for external acknowledgement and praise, besides the occasional raise.

I no longer feel stuck. I feel like I'm settling into myself instead seeking something outside of me. I don't have all of the answers. I don't know if I'm going back to school, buying a house, or moving to the East Coast to kick with the BBGs. I am ok with not having it all figured out and ecstatic that everything is still possible.

Each one has to find his peace from within. And peace to be real must be unaffected by outside circumstances. ~ Mahatma Gandhi

New Possibilities...

Over the last few weeks, I've been feeling stuck. It's not the usual "I want a new job" feeling. I feel like I just need to do something different, in addition to my current position. I've been thinking about going back to school to be school counselor - mostly because it's easy. I've taken most of the classes already. It would fit into my current work schedule and eventually, I'd be able to take my summers off and be the jet-setting adventurer that I really am while still getting paid. Sounds perfect, right? Maybe, it's just a little too perfect and settled for this free-spirit.

I want to be independent, not relying on an unreliable school system or dealing with school politics and a ridiculous case load. I need to imagine something different and new - something that may or may not require another degree and meshes my passion for education, violence prevention, and the overall health and well being of women and children. I want to travel and have a global impact.

I want something new. I just wish I knew what that something was...

Man never knows what he wants; he aspires to penetrate mysteries and as soon as he has, he wants to reestablish them. Ignorance irritates him and knowledge cloys. ~Amiel

"I want to fall in love again"

In the fall of 2001, I said to a friend in conversation that I wanted to fall in love again. Neither of us remember the context of that statement but the pure emotion of the statement stuck with her. It was the theme of my Christmas gift that year. It's now approaching nine years since that conversation and I have yet to fall in love again. I don't know quite how I feel about that. I'm not sad nor do I feel like I've missed out on anything in the last nine years but that feeling is definitely with me right now. So as I seek to love again, I'm reflecting on what love was to me.

Love was...

• being listened to.
  
• being loved.
  
• being seen for my best, even in my worst moments.
• problem solving.
  
• encouragement.
• safety and security.
• being a priority.
• feeling beautiful.
• being cared for.
• great kisses.
• hugs that made everything better.
• understanding my struggles.
• wiping away my tears.
• butterflies.
• smiling at the mentioning of a name.
• silly nicknames.
• feeling invincible.
• wanting to share my darkest secret.
• wanting to trust.
  
• hoping for forever.
• the desire to reciprocate.
  

I have to say, at 28, love doesn't look much different than it did at 19. The difference is that I know I can get all of these things (except the great kisses) from my friends and, most importantly, from myself. The last nine years have been full of new beginnings, lessons, and growth. I've been building a foundation that will support me so that the next time I do fall in love, it will feel more like a treat than...

oxygen.

The Academic Calendar has F-ed My Professional Life

The other day I was looking through my closet for a dress to wear to work. I came to the conclusion that I need more "work-appropriate" dresses (yes, even with the 24 unworn dresses) or I need to take summers off. That's when I realized that I've only made it through one summer working. Don't get me wrong. I don't mind working in the summer but I feel like something should change in the summer - new job, new location, travel, etc. Let's take a look at my summers since I began working.

Summer of '99 - working in retail
Summer of '00 - working in retail, getting ready for college
Summer of '01 - summer organizing internship in Chicago, working in retail
Summer of '02 - study abroad in Kenya, retail
Summer of '03 - interning with TFA in Houston
Summer of '04 - training for TFA in L.A.
Summer of '05 - off, traveling, looking for work and living off my intermittent CPS income,
Summer of '06 - off, began grad school, traveling, looking for work and living off my temporary CPS income
Summer of '07 - worked the full-time job I found in the August of '06, grad school, decided it was time to go and found a new job
Summer of '08 - quit my job, spent the summer working out, hanging out with my bff, traveling, and living off my savings, no summer classes
Summer of '09 - looking for work post-graduation, hanging out, traveling, living off my savings

That leads me to this summer. This is when I typically start looking at other options, wanting my freedom, and refusing to stay any place that I'm not happy. What will this summer hold? I love my job and what I do but one person is making it an unpleasant place for me. Can we resolve this issue? How long will I last? Can I stick it out two years until I get my clinical license or will I go running for a chance at change or a summer break? Only time will tell...

In the meantime, education is looking like the only way I can keep a job for more than a year. I can hear the school counseling certification calling.