"I want to fall in love again"

In the fall of 2001, I said to a friend in conversation that I wanted to fall in love again. Neither of us remember the context of that statement but the pure emotion of the statement stuck with her. It was the theme of my Christmas gift that year. It's now approaching nine years since that conversation and I have yet to fall in love again. I don't know quite how I feel about that. I'm not sad nor do I feel like I've missed out on anything in the last nine years but that feeling is definitely with me right now. So as I seek to love again, I'm reflecting on what love was to me.

Love was...

• being listened to.
  
• being loved.
  
• being seen for my best, even in my worst moments.
• problem solving.
  
• encouragement.
• safety and security.
• being a priority.
• feeling beautiful.
• being cared for.
• great kisses.
• hugs that made everything better.
• understanding my struggles.
• wiping away my tears.
• butterflies.
• smiling at the mentioning of a name.
• silly nicknames.
• feeling invincible.
• wanting to share my darkest secret.
• wanting to trust.
  
• hoping for forever.
• the desire to reciprocate.
  

I have to say, at 28, love doesn't look much different than it did at 19. The difference is that I know I can get all of these things (except the great kisses) from my friends and, most importantly, from myself. The last nine years have been full of new beginnings, lessons, and growth. I've been building a foundation that will support me so that the next time I do fall in love, it will feel more like a treat than...

oxygen.

The Academic Calendar has F-ed My Professional Life

The other day I was looking through my closet for a dress to wear to work. I came to the conclusion that I need more "work-appropriate" dresses (yes, even with the 24 unworn dresses) or I need to take summers off. That's when I realized that I've only made it through one summer working. Don't get me wrong. I don't mind working in the summer but I feel like something should change in the summer - new job, new location, travel, etc. Let's take a look at my summers since I began working.

Summer of '99 - working in retail
Summer of '00 - working in retail, getting ready for college
Summer of '01 - summer organizing internship in Chicago, working in retail
Summer of '02 - study abroad in Kenya, retail
Summer of '03 - interning with TFA in Houston
Summer of '04 - training for TFA in L.A.
Summer of '05 - off, traveling, looking for work and living off my intermittent CPS income,
Summer of '06 - off, began grad school, traveling, looking for work and living off my temporary CPS income
Summer of '07 - worked the full-time job I found in the August of '06, grad school, decided it was time to go and found a new job
Summer of '08 - quit my job, spent the summer working out, hanging out with my bff, traveling, and living off my savings, no summer classes
Summer of '09 - looking for work post-graduation, hanging out, traveling, living off my savings

That leads me to this summer. This is when I typically start looking at other options, wanting my freedom, and refusing to stay any place that I'm not happy. What will this summer hold? I love my job and what I do but one person is making it an unpleasant place for me. Can we resolve this issue? How long will I last? Can I stick it out two years until I get my clinical license or will I go running for a chance at change or a summer break? Only time will tell...

In the meantime, education is looking like the only way I can keep a job for more than a year. I can hear the school counseling certification calling.