Out of the mud

It's been almost a year since I've posted. After reading my last post, I'm reminded of where I was a year ago. In that time, a lot has changed and a lot has remained the same. I'm feeling a lot more settled and at peace with where I am. I almost feel like I want to put down roots. I know it sounds odd considering that I've lived in Chicago for the past 7 years - almost five of which were spent in the same apartment - but I've always been looking for something new or different - a new job, more grad school, or moving to a new city. While each of those things remain a possibility, I no longer feel the need to look for what's next. I am happy with my present and learning to appreciate where I am.

Over the past year, I've realized that I don't need school or an 'A' on a paper or transcript for validation. In a lot of ways, school provides a structure in which I know how to be successful and it was how I received acknowledgement and praise from my family. Being out of school for the last two years has given me the space to recognize this and to understand that I can be successful in other areas - work, relationships, etc. - where there aren't syllabi with clear guidelines, deadlines, and grades. So even though I'm taking the GRE again in a couple of weeks, I'm not looking to immediately get back into the classroom. I'm focused on doing my job well, gaining a better understanding of trauma and figuring out ways to take care of myself while doing this work. I've made a personal commitment to myself to work towards the end of sexual violence. To me, the first step is doing my job well, while learning ways in which I can have a greater impact. I'm also learning not to look for external acknowledgement and praise, besides the occasional raise.

I no longer feel stuck. I feel like I'm settling into myself instead seeking something outside of me. I don't have all of the answers. I don't know if I'm going back to school, buying a house, or moving to the East Coast to kick with the BBGs. I am ok with not having it all figured out and ecstatic that everything is still possible.

Each one has to find his peace from within. And peace to be real must be unaffected by outside circumstances. ~ Mahatma Gandhi