Out of the mud

It's been almost a year since I've posted. After reading my last post, I'm reminded of where I was a year ago. In that time, a lot has changed and a lot has remained the same. I'm feeling a lot more settled and at peace with where I am. I almost feel like I want to put down roots. I know it sounds odd considering that I've lived in Chicago for the past 7 years - almost five of which were spent in the same apartment - but I've always been looking for something new or different - a new job, more grad school, or moving to a new city. While each of those things remain a possibility, I no longer feel the need to look for what's next. I am happy with my present and learning to appreciate where I am.

Over the past year, I've realized that I don't need school or an 'A' on a paper or transcript for validation. In a lot of ways, school provides a structure in which I know how to be successful and it was how I received acknowledgement and praise from my family. Being out of school for the last two years has given me the space to recognize this and to understand that I can be successful in other areas - work, relationships, etc. - where there aren't syllabi with clear guidelines, deadlines, and grades. So even though I'm taking the GRE again in a couple of weeks, I'm not looking to immediately get back into the classroom. I'm focused on doing my job well, gaining a better understanding of trauma and figuring out ways to take care of myself while doing this work. I've made a personal commitment to myself to work towards the end of sexual violence. To me, the first step is doing my job well, while learning ways in which I can have a greater impact. I'm also learning not to look for external acknowledgement and praise, besides the occasional raise.

I no longer feel stuck. I feel like I'm settling into myself instead seeking something outside of me. I don't have all of the answers. I don't know if I'm going back to school, buying a house, or moving to the East Coast to kick with the BBGs. I am ok with not having it all figured out and ecstatic that everything is still possible.

Each one has to find his peace from within. And peace to be real must be unaffected by outside circumstances. ~ Mahatma Gandhi

New Possibilities...

Over the last few weeks, I've been feeling stuck. It's not the usual "I want a new job" feeling. I feel like I just need to do something different, in addition to my current position. I've been thinking about going back to school to be school counselor - mostly because it's easy. I've taken most of the classes already. It would fit into my current work schedule and eventually, I'd be able to take my summers off and be the jet-setting adventurer that I really am while still getting paid. Sounds perfect, right? Maybe, it's just a little too perfect and settled for this free-spirit.

I want to be independent, not relying on an unreliable school system or dealing with school politics and a ridiculous case load. I need to imagine something different and new - something that may or may not require another degree and meshes my passion for education, violence prevention, and the overall health and well being of women and children. I want to travel and have a global impact.

I want something new. I just wish I knew what that something was...

Man never knows what he wants; he aspires to penetrate mysteries and as soon as he has, he wants to reestablish them. Ignorance irritates him and knowledge cloys. ~Amiel

So this is what forgiveness feels like? I doubt anyone noticed but I actually deleted my blog a couple of weeks ago. I was in bad a place and instead of reaching out I withdrew. I didn't call people. I canceled plans. I stayed in my room and watched TV. I deleted my blogs. Since then, I've come up with all these great reasons why it was a good thing to get rid of it - maybe it would make me journal or finally finish my website. Despite all of that, I can't tell you how hopeful I was when I went to change my profile picture and saw that I had 3 blogs and how excited I was when I saw the "undelete blog" link. It's like getting a second chance. They don't happen often in real life but I'm thankful for this virtual one.

Forgiveness is giving up the possibility of a better past. ~ Unknown

Today, I was reminded of one of my favorite quotes.

All things excellent are as difficult as they are rare. - Benedict Spinoza

I hope something excellent is indeed on the other side.

Ups & Downs

Earlier this week, I jumped out of a plane with a man strapped to my back. Today, I don't want to leave my room. I want to lay in bed and watch TV and I am contemplating how to teleport food from the fridge to microwave and up to my room. Ugh! I just want to know about this job already and I really don't want to go through this again with another position. So, I hope that I hear some good news. I hate this part. In the meantime, I'm going to try to pick myself up, get moving, and live my vision...

In Limbo...

I don't like this feeling of uncertainty. However, I'm learning to live with it and pay attention to my feelings and emotions throughout this period. I'm trying not to get "stuck" again as I wait for answers. I'm realizing that uncertainty is definitely not a comfortable feeling for me. It keeps me from appreciating the "now" in anticipation of the future. I'm making an conscious effort to keep moving and live in the now, even if I'm still a little worried about tomorrow.

Insight enables you to know your own heart. Clarity enables you to accept without illusion. ~ Deepak Chopra