Out of the mud

It's been almost a year since I've posted. After reading my last post, I'm reminded of where I was a year ago. In that time, a lot has changed and a lot has remained the same. I'm feeling a lot more settled and at peace with where I am. I almost feel like I want to put down roots. I know it sounds odd considering that I've lived in Chicago for the past 7 years - almost five of which were spent in the same apartment - but I've always been looking for something new or different - a new job, more grad school, or moving to a new city. While each of those things remain a possibility, I no longer feel the need to look for what's next. I am happy with my present and learning to appreciate where I am.

Over the past year, I've realized that I don't need school or an 'A' on a paper or transcript for validation. In a lot of ways, school provides a structure in which I know how to be successful and it was how I received acknowledgement and praise from my family. Being out of school for the last two years has given me the space to recognize this and to understand that I can be successful in other areas - work, relationships, etc. - where there aren't syllabi with clear guidelines, deadlines, and grades. So even though I'm taking the GRE again in a couple of weeks, I'm not looking to immediately get back into the classroom. I'm focused on doing my job well, gaining a better understanding of trauma and figuring out ways to take care of myself while doing this work. I've made a personal commitment to myself to work towards the end of sexual violence. To me, the first step is doing my job well, while learning ways in which I can have a greater impact. I'm also learning not to look for external acknowledgement and praise, besides the occasional raise.

I no longer feel stuck. I feel like I'm settling into myself instead seeking something outside of me. I don't have all of the answers. I don't know if I'm going back to school, buying a house, or moving to the East Coast to kick with the BBGs. I am ok with not having it all figured out and ecstatic that everything is still possible.

Each one has to find his peace from within. And peace to be real must be unaffected by outside circumstances. ~ Mahatma Gandhi

"I want to fall in love again"

In the fall of 2001, I said to a friend in conversation that I wanted to fall in love again. Neither of us remember the context of that statement but the pure emotion of the statement stuck with her. It was the theme of my Christmas gift that year. It's now approaching nine years since that conversation and I have yet to fall in love again. I don't know quite how I feel about that. I'm not sad nor do I feel like I've missed out on anything in the last nine years but that feeling is definitely with me right now. So as I seek to love again, I'm reflecting on what love was to me.

Love was...

• being listened to.
  
• being loved.
  
• being seen for my best, even in my worst moments.
• problem solving.
  
• encouragement.
• safety and security.
• being a priority.
• feeling beautiful.
• being cared for.
• great kisses.
• hugs that made everything better.
• understanding my struggles.
• wiping away my tears.
• butterflies.
• smiling at the mentioning of a name.
• silly nicknames.
• feeling invincible.
• wanting to share my darkest secret.
• wanting to trust.
  
• hoping for forever.
• the desire to reciprocate.
  

I have to say, at 28, love doesn't look much different than it did at 19. The difference is that I know I can get all of these things (except the great kisses) from my friends and, most importantly, from myself. The last nine years have been full of new beginnings, lessons, and growth. I've been building a foundation that will support me so that the next time I do fall in love, it will feel more like a treat than...

oxygen.

My Voice

I began the drama class last week. It wasn't what I expected at all. Last week, I spent time practicing a presentation/training that I need to give for work next week. I learned to own my words and speak with confidence even when I feel like I don't know what I'm talking about.

Today, I was able to hear and appreciate my own voice. While reading a part, the instructor and the other participants commented on my voice - it's tone, timbre, and texture - and compared it to a musical instrument. This was shocking to me. I'm the girl who used to hate reading aloud in class because I thought I sounded like a boy. I'm the girl who still hates recording new voicemail greetings every time I'm out of the office for a day or more. I'm the girl who mumbles "hello" and swallows "thank you" and "you're welcome." Who was this girl, this woman, they were speaking of? Could it be they were one in the same? Then someone asked a question that made me remember...

I remembered that one day, as a classroom teacher, when I was called to the office in the middle of my daily read aloud. My principal - the man who evaluated me on classroom management, guided reading, and determined my fate at the end of the year - was sent to watch my class. I scrambled to find some busywork for my students, expecting him to sit at my desk on the computer or lecture my students on their hallway behavior. He said he could handle it. He said he could do the read aloud. Now, I have no idea what happened in that office but I do remember what happened when I returned to my classroom. The principal let me know that everything went extremely well, showed me where he stopped in our chapter book, and returned to the office. As soon as he was out of earshot, my class erupted pleading with me to re-read the entire chapter that they had just heard. I was perplexed. Were they wasting time? Was there a test or that dreadful art class they were trying to avoid? No. They genuinely wanted me to read the chapter to them - to use my voice, my tone, and inflections to help them understand the storyline, get the jokes, and relate to a little girl with issues similar to their own. They wanted me to do the things that the man with the booming rich voice, the command of the whole school, and a salary 2-4 times that of little ol' me, couldn't do. That day, my 30+ students told me how much they valued my voice, much more than I ever have.

Somewhere along the way, I learned not to value my voice or to trust the words that it offered. Somehow, I forgot that there are people who enjoy listening to me. Today, I was reminded.

I usually like to end with a quote. Today, instead of finding someone else's words that speak my truth, I am trusting my own voice to convey exactly what I mean.

Self-Care

Maintain a conscious, focused program of self-care.

These words are written in one of my notebooks, probably from a training that I attended. I've been glancing over them lately as I write my to-do lists or grocery lists but I haven't taken time to put these words into action. I realize that self-care is essential in my fiel and life in general. I need to make it a priority. Right now, it's pretty haphazard. I eat, zone out to TV, call a friend, talk to coworkers, listen to music, shop, isolate, reflect, and blog. Some of these are positive, others not so much. I'd like to develop a program. It's hard because I'm not involved in any classes nor do I have anything on my regular schedule besides work and sometimes going to the gym. Here are some ideas that I have.

• Read - Set a goal.
• Workout - Set a regular schedule.
• Dance - Enroll in a class.
• Art - Enroll in a class or plan to take a workshop regularly.
• Journal
• Blog
  
• Hang out with friends/attend a social event once a week.
• Reflect on my vision board at the beginning of each week (at least.)
  
• Travel
• Develop/maintain a financial plan to minimize stress.
• Address issues with friends and family as they arise.
  
• Call friends. This is a constant struggle.

Ok. I could probably come up with more but send suggestions if you have them. I need to look for classes and create a self-care calendar. Do you have a self-care plan? If so, what is it? If not, what are you waiting for?

Something's Gotta Give...

I love my friends...

but over the last few weeks, and particularly over the last few days, all I can do is *sigh*. Over the years, I've accepted them as they are and haven't made much of a fuss about anything but lately it's starting to bother me. I try not to take much offense or lay too much blame on them because I understand my role in our dynamic. I don't call, except those who never call me. When we talk, I rarely share very much about what's going on with me (usually because there isn't much, I don't do drama). However, as I attempt to reach out more, deepen the relationships that I have, and trust people to be there for me, I can see the not-so-healthy patterns that have evolved. The phone call not returned for months, that I used to brush off, now stings a little bit. The silence or quick return to their own drama after I've shared my own problems used to be undetectable but now it simply hurts. My usual pattern is to dismiss minor stings until one day, I'm fed up, without warning. At which point, I need space which usually lasts until things are uncomfortable. When I'm ready to discuss my issue, people are already on the defensive but the pattern usually doesn't change so the friendship fizzles. I know I've got to do something different. It's time for some tough conversations and maybe even losing some friends but something's gotta give...

Friends are made by many acts and lost by only one. ~ Proverb

Friends are forever, you might lose them but you'll never forget them. ~ Unknown

The ones who are bound to be your best friends must lose your trust just once to prove that they can win it back. ~ Unknown

The Final Final Update

28 by 28

1. Complete my MEd program. - DONE! with distinction and accomplished my 4.0 goal!
2. Pass the National Counselor Exam. - I am now a Licensed Professional Counselor in the state of Illinois.
3. Lose 20lbs more and keep it off. - This is the hardest thing I've had to do. I haven't lost any more lately and actually gained a lot (to me) due to the cruise and the holidays. I'll be on a new plan at the start of the year but back to my regular eating habits starting today. This has taught me how my emotions are tied to eating. I'm much more aware than I was. Even when I decide to gorge on chicken nachos or a ridiculous mix from Cold Stone, I know why. One day I'll actually stop myself. Next goal? Maybe.
4. Maintain a workout regimen. - I have been able to do this at certain periods. This is usually tied to what is going on in my life but I'm learning to make it a priority.
5. Try meditation. - Haven't done this seriously. I was in the middle of setting up a space in my home when I had to move. Haven't gotten back to it yet.
6. Visit Canada. - This didn't happen but it is no longer a priority. I realized that I had already been to Canada to see Niagara Falls when I visited Cornflake Girl. My only reason for going was to have been to all the countries in North America. So, I may make it or I may not. No biggie.
7. Apply/Be prepared to apply to doctoral programs. - Reevaluating... - I'm not ready yet. I want to work in my field for a bit. And decide what I want to do. Plus with the economy, funding is uncertain. So we will see.
8. Participate in an AIDS Walk/Run. - I did it! I actually ran and raised $150. I'll do it again and reduce my time and increase my donations.
9. Color my hair. I cut it! - Not gonna color it. I loved the look but not the dryness and damage from the last time I colored it. It's so short now and my main goal is longer, stronger curls. So no color. For now.
10.Travel outside of North America. - Done. See pictures. Thanks Kismet. Probably wouldn't have done it without you.
11. Take a dance class or 3. - I took salsa and bellydancing classes. I also took a pole dancing workshop but it was after my birthday. Hopefully, there will be more to come in the new year.
12. Perfect 28 new dishes. - I don't really know what happened with this. I've tried a lot of new dishes with the vegan thing and dieting. I love cooking more beans and vegetables. I haven't counted, but I am learning to cook better food and make better eating choices.
13. Create a professional website. - This is still in the making. I need more professional photos but I will get it done by spring.
14. Go to a play, museum or something artistic once a month. - I was able to do this a couple of times but definitely not every month.
15. Complete an art class. - I kept putting this one off since I was thinking of moving but I will definitely take at least one in the coming year.
16. Create a vision board. - It turned out differently than I imagined but I did it. I love it. I just have to look at it more.
17. Skydive. - I did it. It was amazing.
18. Call 1 friend per week. - Um, yeah. This so hasn't happened consistently. Don't even know how I still have friends.
19. Take tennis lessons. - I don't think I want to learn to play tennis. It was just an idea and I think it was linked to someone else who played and the fact that there were courts at my old gym. If I learn great, if I don't I'll live. I've been thinking about racquetball since they have courts at my new gym.
20. Volunteer for the hotline at least once a month. - I didn't do this and I am looking for new volunteer opportunities since the hotline is too much like my job.
21. Learn to swim. - Haven't done this either. I do want to learn.
22. Teach myself sign language. - I haven't done this either. I wanted to learn to help my niece but I just teach myself, and review with her, the words she learns in school.
23. Attend one social event per month. (Thanks T.) - Haven't paid attention but I think I have. I'll probably up it to once per week.
24. Dedicate one day per month to myself. (Thanks BL.) - Somehow, someway, I've done this often, usually unintentionally.
25. Read half the books on my reading list. - Um, yeah no. There is a TV in my bedroom at mom's house. I've also had trouble being still and connecting to anything recently. That is definitely required for reading. I hope I'm able to settle down a little bit and regain some focus in the new year.
26. Write a blog post at least once every two weeks. - Some times I did this. Sometimes I didn't but given the number of posts on my new blog, I guess it averages out.
27. Treat myself to a makeover - hair, makeup, wardrobe. - Um, I think I kinda did this. I have to be more consistent at putting effort into what I look like.
28. Create and stick to a realistic monthly budget. - I haven't done this but have somehow managed. My main goal was not to run out of money before I found a job. Next year, I'll actually set a savings goal.
29. Study, read, blog, etc. in a public place at least once every two weeks. - I didn't do this consistently either but it was just to get myself out of the house and to better focus on studying and possibly meet new people.
30. Learn to let people go. - This will always be a process. I think I'm getting better with it but I need to be more direct about it.

Maybe I should have sent this list out to my friends instead of just the things I actually did. Then, they wouldn't think I was bragging. I learned I can do things that don't require a long term commitment or me asking other people to join me. Over the next year, I will work on committing to things and reaching out to others to help me, listen to me, or just join me on some randomness. I plan to finalize and post my next set of goals by the end of the year. Though I didn't do nearly all that I set out to do, it has been an amazing year and journey.

It is a most mortifying reflection for a man to consider what he has done, compared to what he might have done. ~ Samuel Johnson

I Am Awesome.

Period.

Yes, I have my vulnerabilities and insecurities. They are all over this blog but I do have a certain belief in my own ability to make things happen for myself. I feel no different about my friends and most people with whom I come into contact. My family always encouraged me to do great things even though (I'm learning as an adult) they may not have actually believed what they were saying. They taught me that I really could do anything. I internalized that, not only for myself, but for those around me. I had dinner with two old friends this weekend and they poked fun at my list of things I accomplished (in their own supportive ways) and followed it up with how awesome I am. It took me a second to say, "Yes. I am awesome. I can own that." But I also wanted to remind them that they are equally awesome. I only set some goals and went after them. Some I accomplished. Some I didn't. Then I decided (after a lot of internal debate and struggle) to share them with friends directly and ask for feedback to help me set next year's goals as opposed to just blogging about them. I didn't do that to make myself seem big in the eyes of others but only to force myself to reach out and to trust them to support me.

My goal is never to make anyone feel as if they can't do anything. In fact, I'm always the person encouraging people to do the thing that they think they can't do. I remember encouraging the high school bf to take the exam to get into an AP course that I was in and to reapply for job that I got that he didn't. Both worked out in his favor. I find myself encouraging b. to do things or at take steps towards some projects that she says she wants to start. (See my comments here.)

I plan to blog about my accomplishments, and lack there of, later this week. Please know that my own reflection upon, and celebration of, my own accomplishments is not meant to take away from those of anyone else - only push my own growth further and if it pushes you to take one step towards your dream, even better. Expect me to encourage you, and help if I can, if you share your goals and dreams with me. I honestly believe that you can make it happen. If you aren't at a place where you can tackle your own awesome adventure, join me on one of mine.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. ~ Marianne Williamson

(Stolen) Question of the Day

My favorite poet/writer on Twitter posed this question today. I'll share my answer below. Share yours in the comments or your own blogs.

What is one thing you learned/cherished about yourself in 2009 and one thing you wish to leave behind forever? ~ @basseyworld

I learned that I can do anything I set my mind to and no matter how unconventional, risky, or scary, things will work out. I know this sounds trite - like something your parents or mentors tell you - but I really felt and lived it this year. Looking back over the year, I made less money than I have since graduating from undergrad and I did so much more than ever before. I took 4 trips this year which isn't unusual for me but two of those were actual vacations - not just booking a flight and crashing at a friends place. Plus, I traveled to France. I know people with full-time jobs who wouldn't ever think of doing any of those things. I'll write a separate post but I also did some other pretty cool things that I wanted to do despite the fact that this has been my craziest and least financially stable year yet. So I cherish my ability to step outside of my box or to expand it. I value the inner voice that helps me deal with disappointments and bad times knowing that it will all work out in the end.

On the other hand, while I trust myself, I don't trust other people. I would love to leave that behind. While trust shouldn't be given freely, I find that I don't even trust those "closest" to me. Those that I do trust seem to be so far away and the settings in which I feel comfortable sharing with them only happen once a year at most. Perhaps this is by my own design. I hope to leave this behind to build stronger, more fulfilling relationships with friends and family. I hope that I can do this and hope that others can prove themselves worthy of my trust. Being vulnerable is not comfortable and has never felt safe for me but it's time for me to do it anyway.

So this is what forgiveness feels like? I doubt anyone noticed but I actually deleted my blog a couple of weeks ago. I was in bad a place and instead of reaching out I withdrew. I didn't call people. I canceled plans. I stayed in my room and watched TV. I deleted my blogs. Since then, I've come up with all these great reasons why it was a good thing to get rid of it - maybe it would make me journal or finally finish my website. Despite all of that, I can't tell you how hopeful I was when I went to change my profile picture and saw that I had 3 blogs and how excited I was when I saw the "undelete blog" link. It's like getting a second chance. They don't happen often in real life but I'm thankful for this virtual one.

Forgiveness is giving up the possibility of a better past. ~ Unknown

Tough Love

This morning, I watched Tough Love on VH1. If you're not familiar with the show - a matchmaker and his mother assess the reasons why a group of women can't find love and help them work on their issues. I want someone to do that for me (see previous post) but I don't want to do it on TV. I've been telling people for years that I just want some guys to watch me be me and give me their honest first impressions. My friends seem to think I'm crazy but that's exactly what they did on the episode I saw today. Three guys gave their honest impressions of the women from just watching them walk and also in a speed dating situation. They were surprisingly accurate. The furthest I've gotten was a friend's bf saying that I appear "uptight" but he wouldn't go into any more detail. What's the big deal? I just want some honest feedback. I know I'm communicating something and I would like to know what that is. Somebody help me out without having to go on VH1.

There's language in her eye, her cheek, her lip,
Nay, her foot speaks; her wanton spirits look out
At every joint and motive of her body.
~ William Shakespeare

"Why Aren't You Married?"

I find this question strange, awkward, and impossible to answer. That's exactly how I felt when I went to drop off my clothes at the Salvation Army and the guy asked why I didn't have any diamonds on my left hand. I swiftly replied "that's not for me to answer." However, upon further reflection, I had to admit that I have a lot of responsibility for my current relationship status. This wasn't the first time I thought about it. In fact, the question "Ready to get married?" is prominently displayed on my vision board as a reminder for me to figure out if I'm ready or if it is even something I want. So I'm going to attempt to make a list of reasons I'm not married or, more accurately, why I'm perpetually single. Here goes...

• I'm fiercely independent.
• I'm equally as codependent.
• I don't trust people.
  
• I'm shy and awkward.
• I've always had bad bedroom feng shui.
• I don't demand enough of others.
• I can and do take care of myself.
• I get what I want, not what others think I should have.
• I'm educated. (Not that it's a bad thing but it's been a problem for few guys.)
• I have a hard outer shell.
• I'm too mushy on the inside.
• I fear rejection.
• I have daddy issues.
• I don't go out.
• I work in female-dominated fields.
• I won't let you be right "just because."
• I've been thoroughly trained on the cycle of violence and won't tolerate even the tiniest attempts to control me.
• I find safety in invisibility.
• I have a very clear picture of how I will meet my husband (in a doctoral program) but I'm not in that situation.
• I don't really know what I want in a partner. (Could be a good thing.)
• I fight dirty. Yes, I know the rules of fair fighting. I don't follow them.
  
• I value my freedom to do as I please without taking another person into account.
  

Enough painful honesty for one night... If you're bold enough, tell me what I missed or share reasons you think you're in your current relationship status, whatever that may be.

"You can explore the universe looking for somebody who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and you will not find that person anywhere." ~ Unknown

"Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free till they find someone just as wild to run with them." ~ Sex in the City

Phone Calls...

I think I have made it more than clear that I hate making phone calls. I put it off until the last minute in my personal life and even at work. I just hate picking up the phone. However, over the last few months, I've tried to do it more and I've truly enjoyed the results. I've had conversations about everything - life, love, astrology, purchasing a home. Nothing makes me feel better than spending an hour or so catching up with my girls, both near and far. It may take a couple of days or weeks to get in touch but each time I hear their voice I'm reminded of our wonderful friendship. So despite not reaching my weekly goal, I'm so glad I made picking up the phone a priority. I only hope to get better at it.

“A friendship can weather most things and thrive in thin soil; but it needs a little mulch of letters and phone calls and small, silly presents every so often - just to save it from drying out completely.”
~ Pam Brown

What Do You Think?

I was just about to look for a video or something to post because despite all of the ideas I had to write about today, the words wouldn't come tonight. Then I refreshed my Twitter feed and saw this.

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RevRunWisdomSum of u like 2 wrk alone.. but isolation is actually a sickness...

This caught my eye because I like, and often prefer, to do things alone. This goes beyond work and projects. I went skydiving by myself, dance classes, museums, plays, etc. Most of the time when I tell people that I want to do something and they offer to do it with me, I'm thinking "Did I ask you?" It's cool to have people around to share experiences with but sometimes I'd rather not. Or maybe it's more the coordination and compromise that I don't like. Somehow something I wanted to do has to be fit into someone else's schedule, budget, convenience, etc. I don't know what it is. Anyway, what do you think about it? Is it strange? a good thing? a bad thing? "a sickness?" Be honest.

In Limbo...

I don't like this feeling of uncertainty. However, I'm learning to live with it and pay attention to my feelings and emotions throughout this period. I'm trying not to get "stuck" again as I wait for answers. I'm realizing that uncertainty is definitely not a comfortable feeling for me. It keeps me from appreciating the "now" in anticipation of the future. I'm making an conscious effort to keep moving and live in the now, even if I'm still a little worried about tomorrow.

Insight enables you to know your own heart. Clarity enables you to accept without illusion. ~ Deepak Chopra