New Possibilities...

Over the last few weeks, I've been feeling stuck. It's not the usual "I want a new job" feeling. I feel like I just need to do something different, in addition to my current position. I've been thinking about going back to school to be school counselor - mostly because it's easy. I've taken most of the classes already. It would fit into my current work schedule and eventually, I'd be able to take my summers off and be the jet-setting adventurer that I really am while still getting paid. Sounds perfect, right? Maybe, it's just a little too perfect and settled for this free-spirit.

I want to be independent, not relying on an unreliable school system or dealing with school politics and a ridiculous case load. I need to imagine something different and new - something that may or may not require another degree and meshes my passion for education, violence prevention, and the overall health and well being of women and children. I want to travel and have a global impact.

I want something new. I just wish I knew what that something was...

Man never knows what he wants; he aspires to penetrate mysteries and as soon as he has, he wants to reestablish them. Ignorance irritates him and knowledge cloys. ~Amiel

"I want to fall in love again"

In the fall of 2001, I said to a friend in conversation that I wanted to fall in love again. Neither of us remember the context of that statement but the pure emotion of the statement stuck with her. It was the theme of my Christmas gift that year. It's now approaching nine years since that conversation and I have yet to fall in love again. I don't know quite how I feel about that. I'm not sad nor do I feel like I've missed out on anything in the last nine years but that feeling is definitely with me right now. So as I seek to love again, I'm reflecting on what love was to me.

Love was...

• being listened to.
  
• being loved.
  
• being seen for my best, even in my worst moments.
• problem solving.
  
• encouragement.
• safety and security.
• being a priority.
• feeling beautiful.
• being cared for.
• great kisses.
• hugs that made everything better.
• understanding my struggles.
• wiping away my tears.
• butterflies.
• smiling at the mentioning of a name.
• silly nicknames.
• feeling invincible.
• wanting to share my darkest secret.
• wanting to trust.
  
• hoping for forever.
• the desire to reciprocate.
  

I have to say, at 28, love doesn't look much different than it did at 19. The difference is that I know I can get all of these things (except the great kisses) from my friends and, most importantly, from myself. The last nine years have been full of new beginnings, lessons, and growth. I've been building a foundation that will support me so that the next time I do fall in love, it will feel more like a treat than...

oxygen.

1st Quarter Check-In

I've recently been reminded of my list so I decided to look it over and see how I've done. It can be summed up in two words - I'm slacking. I haven't done any of the daily or weekly activities but hopefully I'll get there by the end of the year. Here's what I have done.

• I'm going to take a drama class next month.
• I've gone on a few dates.
• I've definitely gotten out more and gone to social events.
• I've made more effort to hang out with friends.
• I've sent hand written cards to friends for birthdays or just because.
• I've gone to one concert.
• I made a vase.
• I've cooked.
• I started volunteering a couple of weeks ago.
• I haven't created a budget but I have been paying off bills and watching my credit score climb. I'll set a financial goal for the end of the year soon.
• I signed up for mortgage loan consultation but the bank never called me. I guess I can't afford a house.
• I actually have gotten to together with most of my Chicago friends once a month.
• I took a BBG trip to the Bay Area. I don't call this a "vacation" but everyone else does.

I have a lot more to do and I will get around to it. How are your New Year's goals and resolutions coming?

Something's Gotta Give...

I love my friends...

but over the last few weeks, and particularly over the last few days, all I can do is *sigh*. Over the years, I've accepted them as they are and haven't made much of a fuss about anything but lately it's starting to bother me. I try not to take much offense or lay too much blame on them because I understand my role in our dynamic. I don't call, except those who never call me. When we talk, I rarely share very much about what's going on with me (usually because there isn't much, I don't do drama). However, as I attempt to reach out more, deepen the relationships that I have, and trust people to be there for me, I can see the not-so-healthy patterns that have evolved. The phone call not returned for months, that I used to brush off, now stings a little bit. The silence or quick return to their own drama after I've shared my own problems used to be undetectable but now it simply hurts. My usual pattern is to dismiss minor stings until one day, I'm fed up, without warning. At which point, I need space which usually lasts until things are uncomfortable. When I'm ready to discuss my issue, people are already on the defensive but the pattern usually doesn't change so the friendship fizzles. I know I've got to do something different. It's time for some tough conversations and maybe even losing some friends but something's gotta give...

Friends are made by many acts and lost by only one. ~ Proverb

Friends are forever, you might lose them but you'll never forget them. ~ Unknown

The ones who are bound to be your best friends must lose your trust just once to prove that they can win it back. ~ Unknown

Happy New Year!

My NYE celebration was extra low key but very necessary. I spent it with great friends. I felt reconnected for the first time in a long time as I shared my dreams and fears. I listened and also felt heard. I spent the morning with them eating, laughing, and committing to strengthening our friendship in the upcoming year. Then, I spent hours sitting around the kitchen table with my grandmother listening to her stories, jokes, hopes, and sorrows. Later in the day, I woke up to a message from someone I hold dear (but have taken some time away from) telling me to take all the time I need to become the person that I want to be. This was comforting and reassuring. All in all, it's been a great 24 hours. I'm looking forward to the next 8,736 hours and wondering how my next year's eve/day will be different (though I really wouldn't change a thing).

The List

Since it's so far from my birthday and so close to the new year, I'm not sure how to classify this list. However, here is the list of things I hope to accomplish in the coming year. Some things are suggestions from my friends, others are personal goals and many of them are carryovers from this year. Send suggestions if you have them.

• Take a drama class. (Thanks Kismet.)
  
• Go on 12 dates. (Down from 50.) (Thanks MJ.)
  
• Climb Mt. St. Helen's, an active volcano. (Thanks JRP.)
  
• Write a children's book for survivors of sexual abuse. (Thanks MJ.)
• Attend at least one social event per week.
• Attend an artistic/cultural event at least once per week.
• Spend at least 30 minutes per day with myself - journaling, writing, meditating, etc.
• Develop a spiritual process. (Purposefully vague. I don't know what this will look like.) (Thanks b.)
  
• Connect with a friend at least once per week.
• Learn to swim.
• Attend a live music event at least once every 2 months. (Thanks Coop.)
  
• Achieve my goal weight of 135lbs by April 1 and maintain it within a 5lb range.
• Take an art class.
• Participate in the AIDS Run/Walk. Decrease my time (38:23) by 5 min and raise $500.
• Cook at least one meal per week.
• Finish/launch my website.
• Bungee jump.
• Volunteer at least once per month.
• Create/maintain a monthly budget.
  
• Get a realistic idea of how much house I can afford and work towards home ownership.
• Get together with local friends at least once per month.
• Create/launch personal project.
• Travel outside of the continent.
• Take at least one vacation.

I'm ready to make this year even better than the last. Here goes nothing.

Year's end is neither an end nor a beginning but a going on, with all the wisdom that experience can instill in us. ~ Hal Borland

Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right. ~ Oprah Winfrey

The Final Final Update

28 by 28

1. Complete my MEd program. - DONE! with distinction and accomplished my 4.0 goal!
2. Pass the National Counselor Exam. - I am now a Licensed Professional Counselor in the state of Illinois.
3. Lose 20lbs more and keep it off. - This is the hardest thing I've had to do. I haven't lost any more lately and actually gained a lot (to me) due to the cruise and the holidays. I'll be on a new plan at the start of the year but back to my regular eating habits starting today. This has taught me how my emotions are tied to eating. I'm much more aware than I was. Even when I decide to gorge on chicken nachos or a ridiculous mix from Cold Stone, I know why. One day I'll actually stop myself. Next goal? Maybe.
4. Maintain a workout regimen. - I have been able to do this at certain periods. This is usually tied to what is going on in my life but I'm learning to make it a priority.
5. Try meditation. - Haven't done this seriously. I was in the middle of setting up a space in my home when I had to move. Haven't gotten back to it yet.
6. Visit Canada. - This didn't happen but it is no longer a priority. I realized that I had already been to Canada to see Niagara Falls when I visited Cornflake Girl. My only reason for going was to have been to all the countries in North America. So, I may make it or I may not. No biggie.
7. Apply/Be prepared to apply to doctoral programs. - Reevaluating... - I'm not ready yet. I want to work in my field for a bit. And decide what I want to do. Plus with the economy, funding is uncertain. So we will see.
8. Participate in an AIDS Walk/Run. - I did it! I actually ran and raised $150. I'll do it again and reduce my time and increase my donations.
9. Color my hair. I cut it! - Not gonna color it. I loved the look but not the dryness and damage from the last time I colored it. It's so short now and my main goal is longer, stronger curls. So no color. For now.
10.Travel outside of North America. - Done. See pictures. Thanks Kismet. Probably wouldn't have done it without you.
11. Take a dance class or 3. - I took salsa and bellydancing classes. I also took a pole dancing workshop but it was after my birthday. Hopefully, there will be more to come in the new year.
12. Perfect 28 new dishes. - I don't really know what happened with this. I've tried a lot of new dishes with the vegan thing and dieting. I love cooking more beans and vegetables. I haven't counted, but I am learning to cook better food and make better eating choices.
13. Create a professional website. - This is still in the making. I need more professional photos but I will get it done by spring.
14. Go to a play, museum or something artistic once a month. - I was able to do this a couple of times but definitely not every month.
15. Complete an art class. - I kept putting this one off since I was thinking of moving but I will definitely take at least one in the coming year.
16. Create a vision board. - It turned out differently than I imagined but I did it. I love it. I just have to look at it more.
17. Skydive. - I did it. It was amazing.
18. Call 1 friend per week. - Um, yeah. This so hasn't happened consistently. Don't even know how I still have friends.
19. Take tennis lessons. - I don't think I want to learn to play tennis. It was just an idea and I think it was linked to someone else who played and the fact that there were courts at my old gym. If I learn great, if I don't I'll live. I've been thinking about racquetball since they have courts at my new gym.
20. Volunteer for the hotline at least once a month. - I didn't do this and I am looking for new volunteer opportunities since the hotline is too much like my job.
21. Learn to swim. - Haven't done this either. I do want to learn.
22. Teach myself sign language. - I haven't done this either. I wanted to learn to help my niece but I just teach myself, and review with her, the words she learns in school.
23. Attend one social event per month. (Thanks T.) - Haven't paid attention but I think I have. I'll probably up it to once per week.
24. Dedicate one day per month to myself. (Thanks BL.) - Somehow, someway, I've done this often, usually unintentionally.
25. Read half the books on my reading list. - Um, yeah no. There is a TV in my bedroom at mom's house. I've also had trouble being still and connecting to anything recently. That is definitely required for reading. I hope I'm able to settle down a little bit and regain some focus in the new year.
26. Write a blog post at least once every two weeks. - Some times I did this. Sometimes I didn't but given the number of posts on my new blog, I guess it averages out.
27. Treat myself to a makeover - hair, makeup, wardrobe. - Um, I think I kinda did this. I have to be more consistent at putting effort into what I look like.
28. Create and stick to a realistic monthly budget. - I haven't done this but have somehow managed. My main goal was not to run out of money before I found a job. Next year, I'll actually set a savings goal.
29. Study, read, blog, etc. in a public place at least once every two weeks. - I didn't do this consistently either but it was just to get myself out of the house and to better focus on studying and possibly meet new people.
30. Learn to let people go. - This will always be a process. I think I'm getting better with it but I need to be more direct about it.

Maybe I should have sent this list out to my friends instead of just the things I actually did. Then, they wouldn't think I was bragging. I learned I can do things that don't require a long term commitment or me asking other people to join me. Over the next year, I will work on committing to things and reaching out to others to help me, listen to me, or just join me on some randomness. I plan to finalize and post my next set of goals by the end of the year. Though I didn't do nearly all that I set out to do, it has been an amazing year and journey.

It is a most mortifying reflection for a man to consider what he has done, compared to what he might have done. ~ Samuel Johnson

I Just Want to be Happy

... and I'm working on it everyday. Someone posted this link on Twitter and I thought I'd share it here as we approach the holiday season and the coming year. I practice some of the habits daily, have never tried others, and some I struggle with all of the time. I hope this leads you a few steps closer to your own happiness. Which habits do you practice? Which ones are hard for you to practice?

21 Habits of Happy People

August 25th, 2008 by Cindy Holbrook

“Happiness is a habit – cultivate it.” ~ Elbert Hubbard

Happiness is one aspiration all people share. No one wants to be sad and depressed.

We’ve all seen people who are always happy – even amidst agonizing life trials. I’m not saying happy people don’t feel grief, sorrow or sadness; they just don’t let it overtake their life. The following are 21 things happy people make a habit of doing:

1. Appreciate Life

Be thankful that you woke up alive each morning. Develop a childlike sense of wonder towards life. Focus on the beauty of every living thing. Make the most of each day. Don’t take anything for granted. Don’t sweat the small stuff.

I Am Awesome.

Period.

Yes, I have my vulnerabilities and insecurities. They are all over this blog but I do have a certain belief in my own ability to make things happen for myself. I feel no different about my friends and most people with whom I come into contact. My family always encouraged me to do great things even though (I'm learning as an adult) they may not have actually believed what they were saying. They taught me that I really could do anything. I internalized that, not only for myself, but for those around me. I had dinner with two old friends this weekend and they poked fun at my list of things I accomplished (in their own supportive ways) and followed it up with how awesome I am. It took me a second to say, "Yes. I am awesome. I can own that." But I also wanted to remind them that they are equally awesome. I only set some goals and went after them. Some I accomplished. Some I didn't. Then I decided (after a lot of internal debate and struggle) to share them with friends directly and ask for feedback to help me set next year's goals as opposed to just blogging about them. I didn't do that to make myself seem big in the eyes of others but only to force myself to reach out and to trust them to support me.

My goal is never to make anyone feel as if they can't do anything. In fact, I'm always the person encouraging people to do the thing that they think they can't do. I remember encouraging the high school bf to take the exam to get into an AP course that I was in and to reapply for job that I got that he didn't. Both worked out in his favor. I find myself encouraging b. to do things or at take steps towards some projects that she says she wants to start. (See my comments here.)

I plan to blog about my accomplishments, and lack there of, later this week. Please know that my own reflection upon, and celebration of, my own accomplishments is not meant to take away from those of anyone else - only push my own growth further and if it pushes you to take one step towards your dream, even better. Expect me to encourage you, and help if I can, if you share your goals and dreams with me. I honestly believe that you can make it happen. If you aren't at a place where you can tackle your own awesome adventure, join me on one of mine.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. ~ Marianne Williamson

(Stolen) Question of the Day

My favorite poet/writer on Twitter posed this question today. I'll share my answer below. Share yours in the comments or your own blogs.

What is one thing you learned/cherished about yourself in 2009 and one thing you wish to leave behind forever? ~ @basseyworld

I learned that I can do anything I set my mind to and no matter how unconventional, risky, or scary, things will work out. I know this sounds trite - like something your parents or mentors tell you - but I really felt and lived it this year. Looking back over the year, I made less money than I have since graduating from undergrad and I did so much more than ever before. I took 4 trips this year which isn't unusual for me but two of those were actual vacations - not just booking a flight and crashing at a friends place. Plus, I traveled to France. I know people with full-time jobs who wouldn't ever think of doing any of those things. I'll write a separate post but I also did some other pretty cool things that I wanted to do despite the fact that this has been my craziest and least financially stable year yet. So I cherish my ability to step outside of my box or to expand it. I value the inner voice that helps me deal with disappointments and bad times knowing that it will all work out in the end.

On the other hand, while I trust myself, I don't trust other people. I would love to leave that behind. While trust shouldn't be given freely, I find that I don't even trust those "closest" to me. Those that I do trust seem to be so far away and the settings in which I feel comfortable sharing with them only happen once a year at most. Perhaps this is by my own design. I hope to leave this behind to build stronger, more fulfilling relationships with friends and family. I hope that I can do this and hope that others can prove themselves worthy of my trust. Being vulnerable is not comfortable and has never felt safe for me but it's time for me to do it anyway.

Updates

It's been a while. I've been a little crazy with starting work, studying for my exam, and then trying to return to life as usual.

• I started my job. - I love it. I love what I do. I love the schedule. I love the flexibility and all the holidays we get. I love that going on the cruise within my probationary period won't be a problem.
• I passed the National Counselor Exam! - All of that studying (and money) paid off. I'm just waiting on the state to issue my license.
• My birthday is approaching. - Yes. I'm making another list. I'm asking for your help on this one too so get your ideas ready. I get health and dental coverage on my birthday! You know I'm getting old when I get excited about being able to go to the doctor.
  
• The cruise is approaching. - It's a little more than 30 days away. I'm excited but I need to get back in the gym. The blog isn't the only thing that's been neglected over the last few weeks. Plus, my trainer bounced and now I have to find a new one that fits my schedule and will make me go hard. I tried this new guy on Saturday and he was trying to go easy on me. I'm giving him another shot on Saturday though. I'm gonna try to keep up with spiderlgs and make it to the gym 4-5 times per week.

Now that my life is back to normal, I'll try to get back to my daily randomness.

I saw this on fb today and figured someone out there could use a reminder. I know I could...

I don't miss him, I miss who I thought he was! - fb friend

It's a Celebration!

I received a job offer tonight. I'm really excited about it. In fact, I believe it is the perfect job for me. I'll be working with the population in which I'm most interested. The people and organization that I'll be working with are great. I'm so ready to begin my professional career! I can't even imagine what it's like to go to work and not have to worry about a class or a paper. I'm already looking for volunteer opportunities and social activities to take up all of my "free" time. I'm sure I'll head back to school again at some point but I'm going to enjoy "only" working.

This job came right on time. Well, it could have come a lot sooner but I was focused on DC. I think it may have been a distraction while this job came along. I love my DC girls but I definitely have a lot of reasons to be here. The job came when I was almost at the end of my financial rope. I have two weeks until my exam and this will help me to focus my studying. I'm enjoyed my time off, as stressful as it was, but I'm glad that it's over. I start Wednesday.

What is the recipe for successful achievement? To my mind there are just four essential ingredients: Choose a career you love, give it the best there is in you, seize your opportunities, and be a member of the team. ~ Benjamin F. Fairless

The List

I haven't dated in so long that I usually don't think about it until someone asks "so, are you seeing someone?" That question has come up a lot lately. While I would like to date I don't exactly know what I'm looking for in a mate. I've been told that some people are too picky, and I'm sure I could be, but I don't even know where to start. I remember making a list in undergrad but I have no idea where it is or what is on it. So I guess I'll get the ball rolling again here.

My List

• Educated
• Career-oriented
• Adventurous
• Traveler
• Reader
• Fit/Healthy
• Funny
• Stable (Emotionally & Financially)
  

What's on your list? What do you think I should add to mine?

A loving relationship is one in which the loved one is free to be himself -- to laugh with me, but never at me; to cry with me, but never because of me; to love life, to love himself, to love being loved. Such a relationship is based upon freedom and can never grow in a jealous heart. ~ Leo F. Buscaglia

Today, I ran my first 5k in the AIDS RunWalk. I struggled but I finished. I also had a breakthrough. I think I know what my next long-term project will be. I'll tell more later as I flesh it out. Now, it's time to rest and reflect on the day's accomplishments, breakthroughs, and insights.

None of us will ever accomplish anything excellent or commanding except when he listens to this whisper which is heard by him alone. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Countdowns...

I have a lot going on right now. I'm almost too tired to write to this post but I'm sticking to my goals (well, some of them). I will go into more detail about what I need to accomplish by the first two deadlines at a later date.

b. and I leave for our cruise to the Bahamas in 74 days.

My 28th birthday is in 60 days.

I have my first in-person job interview in over 2 years in 3 days.

I run in my first 5K ever in a little more than 12 hours. Wish me luck!

Don't be fooled by the calendar. There are only as many days in the year as you make use of. ~ Charles Richards

I need to make every day count.

Today, I was reminded of one of my favorite quotes.

All things excellent are as difficult as they are rare. - Benedict Spinoza

I hope something excellent is indeed on the other side.

I've been thinking about what to post all day. Today, was better than yesterday - I got out of the house, read a book on my reading list, and received a call from my niece that would make anyone smile. I still didn't know what to write. The last few months have been an exercise in faith and patience, both lessons that I asked to learn. However, I didn't think it would be this difficult. The early days were great - filled with trips and fun but now it's getting hard. Lately, I haven't been as carefree and light-hearted about things. I know they will work out but I'm getting worried, sad, and sometimes angry. Tonight, I saw these words that made me want to change my attitude. Bear with me in the process.

"Wait on God with a smile." - Rev. Run

Time Changes Nothing

I heard this quote this morning when Oprah played back past clips of Dr. Phil. It struck me because... well, it's true. Time, in and of itself, changes nothing - no, not even the project that you want to start, the degree you want to get, that man that you think will "grow out of it" nor those childhood issues that you've been carrying all this time. Change takes preparation, work, energy, and endurance. Depending on what you want to change, you may need to take some classes, start saving money, seek counseling, get out of a relationship or repair one, reach out to someone, etc. The list is endless. The point is that you have to do something. If you want to start something new or want something different, start making those preparations today. There is nothing wrong with not being where you want to be. Not taking steps to get there today, and everyday, is another story.

So the next time you put something off, remember that time changes nothing (except your age).

My Vision Board

Pardon the glare. It's framed.

I finally created my vision board. This has been on my to-do list for over a year. It was originally my counselor's idea and something we were supposed to do as a part of termination. However, my hectic work schedule (and possibly some resistance) led to a lot of cancellations and I was left to complete it on my own. I asked b. to do one with me last summer. I also thought it would be a good idea to do at the BBG sleepover last summer. However, I didn't sit down to do it until this week. I thought it would be a good idea to visualize what I want as I enter this next phase of my life. It took me hours and countless magazines to complete it. I expected it to be more visual and specific but I found myself cutting out more words and phrases than anything. Some of it may be the magazines that I had access to. However, I think my board reflects where I am in life. Materially, I don't need as much. I have a car, furniture, and enough money to survive and do most of what I want (for now). At this point, I'm seeking more personal growth, trying to live each day to the fullest, building stronger relationships, and conquering fears. My visions board reflects that along with my desire to travel, find love, and have financial security. It still has a lot of blank space. Maybe this represents my new commitment to openness. I may add things as I come across them or do new boards periodically. I encourage you to create a vision board of your own. The link below gives some useful information about different types of vision boards and how to create and use them from a woman who literally wrote a book on vision boards. I didn't use it, but maybe next time.

What is a Vision Board?

A vision board (also called a Treasure Map or a Visual Explorer or Creativity Collage) is typically a poster board on which you paste or collage images that you’ve torn out from various magazines. It’s simple.

The idea behind this is that when you surround yourself with images of who you want to become, what you want to have, where you want to live, or where you want to vacation, your life changes to match those images and those desires.