Out of the mud

It's been almost a year since I've posted. After reading my last post, I'm reminded of where I was a year ago. In that time, a lot has changed and a lot has remained the same. I'm feeling a lot more settled and at peace with where I am. I almost feel like I want to put down roots. I know it sounds odd considering that I've lived in Chicago for the past 7 years - almost five of which were spent in the same apartment - but I've always been looking for something new or different - a new job, more grad school, or moving to a new city. While each of those things remain a possibility, I no longer feel the need to look for what's next. I am happy with my present and learning to appreciate where I am.

Over the past year, I've realized that I don't need school or an 'A' on a paper or transcript for validation. In a lot of ways, school provides a structure in which I know how to be successful and it was how I received acknowledgement and praise from my family. Being out of school for the last two years has given me the space to recognize this and to understand that I can be successful in other areas - work, relationships, etc. - where there aren't syllabi with clear guidelines, deadlines, and grades. So even though I'm taking the GRE again in a couple of weeks, I'm not looking to immediately get back into the classroom. I'm focused on doing my job well, gaining a better understanding of trauma and figuring out ways to take care of myself while doing this work. I've made a personal commitment to myself to work towards the end of sexual violence. To me, the first step is doing my job well, while learning ways in which I can have a greater impact. I'm also learning not to look for external acknowledgement and praise, besides the occasional raise.

I no longer feel stuck. I feel like I'm settling into myself instead seeking something outside of me. I don't have all of the answers. I don't know if I'm going back to school, buying a house, or moving to the East Coast to kick with the BBGs. I am ok with not having it all figured out and ecstatic that everything is still possible.

Each one has to find his peace from within. And peace to be real must be unaffected by outside circumstances. ~ Mahatma Gandhi

New Possibilities...

Over the last few weeks, I've been feeling stuck. It's not the usual "I want a new job" feeling. I feel like I just need to do something different, in addition to my current position. I've been thinking about going back to school to be school counselor - mostly because it's easy. I've taken most of the classes already. It would fit into my current work schedule and eventually, I'd be able to take my summers off and be the jet-setting adventurer that I really am while still getting paid. Sounds perfect, right? Maybe, it's just a little too perfect and settled for this free-spirit.

I want to be independent, not relying on an unreliable school system or dealing with school politics and a ridiculous case load. I need to imagine something different and new - something that may or may not require another degree and meshes my passion for education, violence prevention, and the overall health and well being of women and children. I want to travel and have a global impact.

I want something new. I just wish I knew what that something was...

Man never knows what he wants; he aspires to penetrate mysteries and as soon as he has, he wants to reestablish them. Ignorance irritates him and knowledge cloys. ~Amiel

"I want to fall in love again"

In the fall of 2001, I said to a friend in conversation that I wanted to fall in love again. Neither of us remember the context of that statement but the pure emotion of the statement stuck with her. It was the theme of my Christmas gift that year. It's now approaching nine years since that conversation and I have yet to fall in love again. I don't know quite how I feel about that. I'm not sad nor do I feel like I've missed out on anything in the last nine years but that feeling is definitely with me right now. So as I seek to love again, I'm reflecting on what love was to me.

Love was...

• being listened to.
  
• being loved.
  
• being seen for my best, even in my worst moments.
• problem solving.
  
• encouragement.
• safety and security.
• being a priority.
• feeling beautiful.
• being cared for.
• great kisses.
• hugs that made everything better.
• understanding my struggles.
• wiping away my tears.
• butterflies.
• smiling at the mentioning of a name.
• silly nicknames.
• feeling invincible.
• wanting to share my darkest secret.
• wanting to trust.
  
• hoping for forever.
• the desire to reciprocate.
  

I have to say, at 28, love doesn't look much different than it did at 19. The difference is that I know I can get all of these things (except the great kisses) from my friends and, most importantly, from myself. The last nine years have been full of new beginnings, lessons, and growth. I've been building a foundation that will support me so that the next time I do fall in love, it will feel more like a treat than...

oxygen.

The Academic Calendar has F-ed My Professional Life

The other day I was looking through my closet for a dress to wear to work. I came to the conclusion that I need more "work-appropriate" dresses (yes, even with the 24 unworn dresses) or I need to take summers off. That's when I realized that I've only made it through one summer working. Don't get me wrong. I don't mind working in the summer but I feel like something should change in the summer - new job, new location, travel, etc. Let's take a look at my summers since I began working.

Summer of '99 - working in retail
Summer of '00 - working in retail, getting ready for college
Summer of '01 - summer organizing internship in Chicago, working in retail
Summer of '02 - study abroad in Kenya, retail
Summer of '03 - interning with TFA in Houston
Summer of '04 - training for TFA in L.A.
Summer of '05 - off, traveling, looking for work and living off my intermittent CPS income,
Summer of '06 - off, began grad school, traveling, looking for work and living off my temporary CPS income
Summer of '07 - worked the full-time job I found in the August of '06, grad school, decided it was time to go and found a new job
Summer of '08 - quit my job, spent the summer working out, hanging out with my bff, traveling, and living off my savings, no summer classes
Summer of '09 - looking for work post-graduation, hanging out, traveling, living off my savings

That leads me to this summer. This is when I typically start looking at other options, wanting my freedom, and refusing to stay any place that I'm not happy. What will this summer hold? I love my job and what I do but one person is making it an unpleasant place for me. Can we resolve this issue? How long will I last? Can I stick it out two years until I get my clinical license or will I go running for a chance at change or a summer break? Only time will tell...

In the meantime, education is looking like the only way I can keep a job for more than a year. I can hear the school counseling certification calling.

My Voice

I began the drama class last week. It wasn't what I expected at all. Last week, I spent time practicing a presentation/training that I need to give for work next week. I learned to own my words and speak with confidence even when I feel like I don't know what I'm talking about.

Today, I was able to hear and appreciate my own voice. While reading a part, the instructor and the other participants commented on my voice - it's tone, timbre, and texture - and compared it to a musical instrument. This was shocking to me. I'm the girl who used to hate reading aloud in class because I thought I sounded like a boy. I'm the girl who still hates recording new voicemail greetings every time I'm out of the office for a day or more. I'm the girl who mumbles "hello" and swallows "thank you" and "you're welcome." Who was this girl, this woman, they were speaking of? Could it be they were one in the same? Then someone asked a question that made me remember...

I remembered that one day, as a classroom teacher, when I was called to the office in the middle of my daily read aloud. My principal - the man who evaluated me on classroom management, guided reading, and determined my fate at the end of the year - was sent to watch my class. I scrambled to find some busywork for my students, expecting him to sit at my desk on the computer or lecture my students on their hallway behavior. He said he could handle it. He said he could do the read aloud. Now, I have no idea what happened in that office but I do remember what happened when I returned to my classroom. The principal let me know that everything went extremely well, showed me where he stopped in our chapter book, and returned to the office. As soon as he was out of earshot, my class erupted pleading with me to re-read the entire chapter that they had just heard. I was perplexed. Were they wasting time? Was there a test or that dreadful art class they were trying to avoid? No. They genuinely wanted me to read the chapter to them - to use my voice, my tone, and inflections to help them understand the storyline, get the jokes, and relate to a little girl with issues similar to their own. They wanted me to do the things that the man with the booming rich voice, the command of the whole school, and a salary 2-4 times that of little ol' me, couldn't do. That day, my 30+ students told me how much they valued my voice, much more than I ever have.

Somewhere along the way, I learned not to value my voice or to trust the words that it offered. Somehow, I forgot that there are people who enjoy listening to me. Today, I was reminded.

I usually like to end with a quote. Today, instead of finding someone else's words that speak my truth, I am trusting my own voice to convey exactly what I mean.

April Challenge

When I posted my update on the list, I didn't mention anything about my weight loss goal. That's because I had actually gained weight. So I decided to get a grip on things starting April 1...

The Challenge: Eat vegan and workout 4 out of every 5 days for the month of April.

The Prize: A $500 shopping spree to buy clothes that fit my body (whatever it looks like/weighs).

15 days in: I've met the challenge by going vegan and working out 12 out of the last 15 days. Go me!

The problem: I haven't lost any weight.

There are a number of factors that play into my lack of weight loss. In an attempt to be all natural, I stopped taking my daily multivitamin with a metabolism booster. Also, while I've cut out dairy and meat, nuts, soy and coconut milk have a lot of fat and calories. Plus, I wasn't actually watching what I ate. (I thoroughly enjoyed the chocolate peanut butter coconut milk ice cream.) I've also not passed up the alcohol.

Next Steps: Resume taking my multivitamin. Try to follow the 4-day diet as closely as possible, watch portions, and cut down on high fat/calorie foods. I'll limit my alcohol intake over the next 15 days and increase my daily workout time.

Look for an update in 15 days.

Wish me luck!

Lent Update:

EPIC FAIL!

That is all.